Apt #15

Today is the first day I have been able to relax in about 3 weeks.

I turned the keys in and said goodbye yesterday afternoon to my first little apt that was all mine. It was kinda sad. I grew up quite a bit in that apt. I look back a year ago and think about how different things were then.

I had friends that I didn't need to be around. I was not where I needed to be as far as my relationship with God. I hung out in bars on the weekends and had dropped out of college. But if you would have asked me how I was doing I would have said great. But I was blind.

My boyfriend had a heart to heart with me about how I handle things and was putting up with certain friends that I needed to let go of. I finally saw that I was fighting for two friendships that didn't deserve my time. I let them go. And that is when it all began.

I started to see, now that the blinders were gone, what I had been missing all this time. And what I have pushed away that I use to care so deeply about. I knew change had to happen. While in this one bedroom little apt, living all on my own, I started turning into a woman.

I saw that it isn't healthy to get so angry when I don't get my way. Or to constantly argue. I realized that I was very depressed but had been telling myself I was happy.

Another friend was going through a self evaluation process so at this time I had noone. Of course my boyfriend was there and my family but as far as friends went I didn't have anyone to talk to about everything I was realizing about myself.

I felt so alone. This, I see now, was a good thing.

I started praying again, reading my bible and going to church every chance I got. The only thing I could do was turn to God. I was right where he wanted me to be. At my lowest so He could build me back up. And that He did.

I still struggled with stuff and was trying to figure out ways to 'fix' myself when I met a special lady. We sat and talked forever and realized we had so much in common. Immediatly we knew we would be forever friends. At that moment I knew everything would be ok. She introduced me to one of her good friends and there again I knew God had brought these two ladies into my life for a reason.

August to December was filled with cooking at my place and watching movies and long in depth convos. This woman was a gift from God. Not meaning to, she had helped show me what I was doing wrong and not that it was wrong of me, but just that there is a better way. I think I grew more in those months then I ever have.

I'm closer to God, learning how to really hear Him. I'm back in school and loving it. Never have I felt closer to Adrian and like I am finally becoming the woman I want to be for him and that he deserves.

I am happy.

Not the happy I thought I was a year ago, but truely happy. I have amazing friends who are true friends and there for me with anything, and that I will always be there for. The year in apt #15 started with me letting go of the bad influences and friends that were no good for me. Yesterday I moved out and looked around that little space and realized that I am leaving with great memories of the time I spent with my love and my God given friends who helped show me the real me.

So when I say I will miss my apt, I'm going to miss the place where I learned so much. But, my friends are my friends and when I get into my new house it will be a whole new year of learning and growth.

I can't wait!

Front Porch

“ Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud.” – Anonymous

Today this front porch is on my mind.

In August I went on a mission trip to Puerto Rico. When we arrived we split up into two groups, one went to a church to repaint it. The other, the group I was in, went to this house to redo the front portion of the house that had been beaten and weathered by a hurricane that had passed threw.

The family that lived here was an elderly woman with her daughter and grandson. They did not speak any english at all. We did not speak hardly any spanish. The language barrier did not matter though. We showed up at 7 am, said our hellos and got to work. First thing was planning what to do and where to start. We decided to knock out the hallway walls, sit them off to the side and then lay down a brand new flooring. The walls were barely attached so it didn't take us long to remove them. The floors had quite a few weak spots and some places you could see the ground through.

We cut the wood, nailed the floor down and put the walls back up, now painted and to where the rooms would be bigger and the walls would be more sturdy. Since we were ahead of schedule, the men in the group decided to tackle the front porch and puddy the holes in the roof.

The front porch.

It was so broken down. Weathered. Unstable. Unsafe. How often is that us? When all we need is a helping hand to shed the old remains and replace it with sturdiness...

Well, at this point it had slowed down and we were able to spend more time playing with little Allen and eating their homeade popsicles.

We did not know each others language but we were able to communicate very well. We came to love this family very much. At this time that things had started slow down it gave me time to watch, see, listen, hear. It is amazing how loud this world is when we slow down to hear it. I started to look around and became so thankful for all that God has given me. I have a sturdy roof over my head, not one with holes. I have a sturdy floor to walk on, not one that you have to worry about getting splinters or it crumbling under my feet. I have an air conditioner, not a ton of fans blowing and opened windows to get the breeze.

With all the things they did not have, they had a few things we so often lack. Thankfulness for everything they have and the ability to understand what is important in life. They did not want for anything. They had each other.

Towards the end of the week we made a trip to what was their "walmart". As we were walking in we saw them. Their faces lit up even though we had just left their house. They went to their "walmart" for one thing. More stuff to make the popsicles with. That was the highlight of their day, to be able to give us something on those scorching hot days. While we were there we picked up a few things to give Allen. He loved playing with my cellphone, constantly saying "Hello?" and he was mesmorized by the men and all their power tools.

The last day had come. We had a busy day planned of all these things we had to do. But we just had to stop back by one last time to say goodbye and give Allen his toys. As we walked in, they were not expecting us, Allen ran to me and two other people he had fallen in love with. We scooped him up, loved on him and passed him around to each other. We gave him his toys and mingled with the ladies of the house for awhile, and others we had not met before because they were so happy they just had to show the house off. The pastor of the church was with us so we were able to talk more. It was great.

Then we heard it. The call to tell us its time to get moving. Everybody started saying bye and writing down contact info and heading out the door. Everyone except me and the other two that had walked in first together. We held them and teared up saying our goodbyes. Allen knew something was up. We had told him adios and kissed him on the forhead but then we saw it in his little eyes that it clicked.

We were almost out the door.

This would be the last time he would see these people that talk this strange language that he had come to love anyways. He stood up, dropped his toys, reached out his arms and started crying the most pitful cry I have ever heard. But we had to go.

The next morning we got on the bus. Still dark outside. I put on my headphones and starred out the window the whole hour drive to the airport. Seeing how my life had been changed. Remembering how it felt to have a small hand reach for me. The feel of his little head snuggle into the crook of my neck. That wonderful laugh. And that childlike love. Unconditional. I knew what I had to do.

I knew I had to come back to the states and remember them. Remember to constantly be thankful for what God has aloud me to have. And to find some way to work with kids that need a good influence.

I found it. Thankful. Now I feel purposeful. But I still miss how those ladies could hug. Like they were saying how they felt about you with their hug because they couldn't with their mouth. And Allen, thats all I can say. I just simply miss Allen. Wish I could let them know how they changed my life and that I pray for them everyday.

Maybe oneday.

I can do this

I have sat in front of this screen a few times now. "What do I write? I dont know how to write. I'll do it later."

I am not good at this.

I think and feel and express so much but have never been useful with words. I failed my English class in high school because I didnt know how to write a good enough paper for the teacher.

I am not good at this.

I've been telling myself that for as long as I can remember. And about more things then writting. One thing I am learning is that yes, I may not be good at 'this' whatever 'this' is at the moment, but once I take that step I can get better. Better at riding a bike, better with my shyness on the first day of a new school, at driving a car, at my job, at my relationship with people, my relationship with God.

When I started taking classes six years ago for my cna certification I was scared to death. I started it and kept saying "I can not do this. This is really hard. I suck at test taking, what if I fail the main test?" I threw up the whole night before my test. Literally worried myself sick. After I took the test I wasn't sure how I did. I knew I passed the hands on part (because that is how I learn) but I really thought I may have failed the written exam. I got my letter saying I passed and was so relieved. But the next hurdle I had to jump was getting a job and doing well.

Looking back, I realize I have a gift at this. It runs in my family. We know how to care for people. I am good at this.

There have been a lot of changes in my life. Some good, some bad. But with certain things I can tell myself now that I 'am' good at this. So I know I may have my doubts about writing but only me trying will I know if oneday I can say that I am good at this too.