Apt #15

Today is the first day I have been able to relax in about 3 weeks.

I turned the keys in and said goodbye yesterday afternoon to my first little apt that was all mine. It was kinda sad. I grew up quite a bit in that apt. I look back a year ago and think about how different things were then.

I had friends that I didn't need to be around. I was not where I needed to be as far as my relationship with God. I hung out in bars on the weekends and had dropped out of college. But if you would have asked me how I was doing I would have said great. But I was blind.

My boyfriend had a heart to heart with me about how I handle things and was putting up with certain friends that I needed to let go of. I finally saw that I was fighting for two friendships that didn't deserve my time. I let them go. And that is when it all began.

I started to see, now that the blinders were gone, what I had been missing all this time. And what I have pushed away that I use to care so deeply about. I knew change had to happen. While in this one bedroom little apt, living all on my own, I started turning into a woman.

I saw that it isn't healthy to get so angry when I don't get my way. Or to constantly argue. I realized that I was very depressed but had been telling myself I was happy.

Another friend was going through a self evaluation process so at this time I had noone. Of course my boyfriend was there and my family but as far as friends went I didn't have anyone to talk to about everything I was realizing about myself.

I felt so alone. This, I see now, was a good thing.

I started praying again, reading my bible and going to church every chance I got. The only thing I could do was turn to God. I was right where he wanted me to be. At my lowest so He could build me back up. And that He did.

I still struggled with stuff and was trying to figure out ways to 'fix' myself when I met a special lady. We sat and talked forever and realized we had so much in common. Immediatly we knew we would be forever friends. At that moment I knew everything would be ok. She introduced me to one of her good friends and there again I knew God had brought these two ladies into my life for a reason.

August to December was filled with cooking at my place and watching movies and long in depth convos. This woman was a gift from God. Not meaning to, she had helped show me what I was doing wrong and not that it was wrong of me, but just that there is a better way. I think I grew more in those months then I ever have.

I'm closer to God, learning how to really hear Him. I'm back in school and loving it. Never have I felt closer to Adrian and like I am finally becoming the woman I want to be for him and that he deserves.

I am happy.

Not the happy I thought I was a year ago, but truely happy. I have amazing friends who are true friends and there for me with anything, and that I will always be there for. The year in apt #15 started with me letting go of the bad influences and friends that were no good for me. Yesterday I moved out and looked around that little space and realized that I am leaving with great memories of the time I spent with my love and my God given friends who helped show me the real me.

So when I say I will miss my apt, I'm going to miss the place where I learned so much. But, my friends are my friends and when I get into my new house it will be a whole new year of learning and growth.

I can't wait!